Monday, April 9, 2012

Mr. Underwear

When we bought our house, the people who lived behind us were kind of odd. Nice but odd. The women was bat shit crazy and I never really saw her husband. They had a Basset named Daisy and a bird that would yell "shut up Daisy" all the time. I loved them and their quirkiness. Their yard looked like an Oklahoma farm house with all the stuff lying around but no worries.

Then they moved.

Our house is on the top of the hill so we look down on our backyard neighbors. It was never a problem until about two years ago. Then a woman bought the house and she and current Mr. Lover moved in. I thought he was her husband until her daughter bought the house next door and they told me that he was just a "live in." We never talked to them much partly because she told our next door neighbor that she didn't like Catholics. My neighbor told me I should throw beer bottles over the fence because excessive drinking seemed to be her issue with Catholics. Whatever, I didn't throw beer bottles but I also didn't become overly friendly either.

Fast forward a few lovers to Mr. Underwear. One day I was out on my beloved deck when I saw current lover in his whitey tighties doing the morning sun salutation. And I'm not talking yoga here. He was inside the house but then came out onto the back patio to wash the table IN HIS UNDIES WITH A HARD ON! I was so shocked I didn't move. I don't know if he knew I was out there. Then he proceeded to wash the sliding glass door over and over again. I was on the inside facing out, doing squats from top to bottom washing and washing and washing.

Did I mention that Miss Neighbor is not a spring chicken?! And Mr. Lover is old with saggy man boobs and a huge belly and does nothing for me in his briefs.

I thought it was maybe a fluke until it happened again, a few days later. This time I made a lot of noise walking on my deck thinking he would get the hint that all though it was early 6:30/7:00 AM that he wasn't the only one up and about. I still questioned that he was really doing it when my sister was at my house and he did it again. "How dirty can that glass table and those sliding doors be?!"

So I did what every peace loving neighbor who hates conflict would do. I planted trees! Tall Tall trees. And I watered them with Miracle Grow. And this year, they are tall enough that they are blocking the yard in the vulnerable spot. But he quit showing up in his undies I think he overheard my brother in law mention that I had an underage daughter and that I should really call the cops on him. I didn't but I could have.

Whitey Tighties on old men with saggy man boobs should be banned. At least when the neighbors can see.

No comments:

Post a Comment