I'm not sure what it is but I was a sobbing mess all weekend. I'm not quite sure what triggered it. On Saturday, I finally had a day to get the yard cleaned up. Thank goodness Utah likes to give us a few reprieves after the first snowfall so that all those things that didn't get done can be tackled. It might have been that I was alone working in the yard and my mind could wander or it might have been because I realize it was one month to the day since dad's final words "I need to go to the hospital" The day where we all thought that a little re hydration would be the ticket and he would be fine. It also could have been that we had made it through Thanksgiving without too much sadness and I was having post holiday grief. Or it could have been the Facebook reminder that his birthday is this week which honestly felt like a kick in the gut. Regardless, it was a hard weekend with everything reminding me of dad.
Brian set up the trailer to get some books, the stored food and do a final clean up. It was such a reminder of the day we brought home the pop up last July. It was right after dad had passed out and before we knew he had lung cancer. He was still fairly weak, but he was almost more excited than we were to pop it up and try everything out. I had told him we were picking it up and almost before Brian got back with it, there was dad-the foreman. He said he'd always wanted one but it just wasn't something that worked out. He was able to get up the step and sat inside while Brian and the boys messed with every button and dial. Keegan was anxious to sleep in there so he kept saying "when is Grandpa Steve going home?!" Dad finally said he could take a hint and got up to leave. We told him that we would take him camping. Sadly, that didn't happen. We tried to get him to go to Yellowstone but he had that bronchoscopy scheduled. We tried for Lake Powell but he had the second bronchoscopy that week. We almost got him to go to Capitol Reef but it was Deacon Retreat Weekend and he wanted to go. I'm still shocked at how quickly he died. Who dies of sepsis from chemo? Don't people die from cancer not chemo? Brian did comment on how it always amazes him that we go from alive to dead so fast and that just goes to show that our body is just a vessel of who we are. HMMMM maybe there is some hope for the Catholic turned Agnostic after his mom died husband of mine.
But life does go on when you have kids. Because of Keegan and his enthusiasm, we have our tree up, the lights on the house and we are in the Christmas spirit. Kind of- I really don't give a rat's ass about my Christmas staff meeting on Thursday (dad's birthday) I'd love to cancel it and I have yet to buy gifts for my staff. I guess I better get an attitude adjustment.
I did brave the storm and go out for Black Friday, now Black Thursday. I don't like the starting at 10 PM thing. Our tradition was to go home after T-dinner, get a few hours of sleep and then be at the store at 2:00 AM. Then shop til 9:00 then head to mom and dad's where dad would make us breakfast. Mom still wanted to do breakfast so we shopped until 3:30, then took a nap on the couch and headed to the store that opened at 5 AM. When we finished, we didn't have any other stores we wanted to brave so we went home, took showers and headed to mom's. Had she not wanted to do the breakfast, we would have just gone home to sleep. It worked out though, we got some great deals and we had fun.